Hey, Texas: There’s the Door

When The Curmudgeon was much younger, his mother worked for a perfectly nice man who had an imperfectly un-nice wife.  Legend has it that she was so difficult a customer for a neighborhood beauty salon, complaining and making life miserable for the people who worked there, that at the end of one especially exasperating visit the proprietor grabbed her by her lapels and told her never, ever to return.  He would rather do without her business than tolerate her obnoxious behavior, he declared.

The Curmudgeon thinks the United States should try this kind of tough love on Texas.

In the recent past, Texas governor Rick Perry famously – or perhaps infamously – suggested that if Texans continue to be unhappy with how the federal government does its job, perhaps his state should secede from the federal union.  (In fairness to Perry, he did not, as is frequently reported, make his secession threat explicitly; it was more implicit.)

Texans really do think they’re different from the rest of us – and they think they’re better than us.  They believe they’ve cornered the market on patriotism, on love of liberty, and on values.  They believe they have special insight into truth, justice, and the American way and that the rest of us range somewhere between inferior and defective.  (The Curmudgeon also suspects Texans have never quite gotten over the U.S. admitting Alaska, a much larger state, to the federal union.)

Many Texans would rather go it alone, politically speaking.  Consequently, every once in a while some of them, disappointed because Washington is not doing exactly as they wish or is asking them to pay their fair share for supporting the republic, for which it stands, suggest that it’s time for them to leave the nest and head out on their own.

The Curmudgeon thinks we should consider letting them.


Texans Hate America

Is there anything as un-American as a Texan?

Consider the organization “Texas Secede.”  In a semi-literate FAQ, the organization’s brain trust (so to speak) responds to the question “Didn’t the outcome of the ‘Civil War’ prove that secession is not an option for any state?”

The South’s rejoining the Union at the point of a bayonet in the late 1860s didn’t prove secession is ‘not an option’ or unlawful.  It only affirmed that violent coercion can be used – even by governments (if unrestrained) – to rob men of their very lives, liberty, and property.

And the case for secession?  The site continues.

Over the past century-and-a-half the United States government has awarded itself even more power (but not the lawful authority) to meddle with the lives, liberty, and property of the People of Texas (as well as those of the other States).

Dig that capital “p” in “People”?

And there’s more.

Sapping Texans’ wealth into a myriad of bureaucratic, socialist schemes both in the U.S. and abroad, the bipartisan despots [spiffy underlining in original] in Washington persist in expanding the federal debt and budget deficits every year.  Texans would indeed gain much by reclaiming control of their State, their property, their liberty, and their very lives, by refusing to participate further in the fraud perpetrated by the Washington politicians and bureaucrats.

Such pride in Texas is not limited to the organization Texas Secede.  A group called “Texas Nationalist Movement” (TexasNationalist.com) writes that

The objective of the Texas Nationalist Movement is the complete, total and unencumbered political, cultural and economic independence of Texas.  It is to restore the Republic of Texas to its rightful status as an independent nation-state, guaranteeing the individual rights of every Texan, and achieve the greatness envisioned by our Founding Fathers, desired by this generation of Texians [sic] and required by future generations to live in freedom.  It is to be an independent light in a world that is being plunged into darkness.

Darkness, indeed!

Yet another group “Texas Secession,” has its own Facebook page.  814 people “like” this site, including one patriot who writes on the wall

Yeehaw!  The US economy is collapsing!  Will this be the catalysis for Texans to seek freedom from their US oppressors?

Many members of Texas Secession seconded Mr. Yeehaw’s (yeehaw – isn’t that just soooooo Texas?) sentiment, none more enthusiastically than one who shall go unnamed because it’s not fair to stigmatize those who rode the short yellow bus to school.  This individual showed off his fourth-grade education by commenting on a remark about the high poverty rate in Texas, writing

The idea of a “federal poverty threshold” is just an object farce if one wants to have an intelligent discord because of the afore mentioned difference in cost of living differences throughout the different states.

That’s exactly why The Curmudgeon visits the Texas Secession page on Facebook:  for the intelligent discord!


American History, Texas Style

Texans are perhaps best known for parading their contempt for real Americans when it comes to school textbooks.  Every ten years the Texas school board sets standards and specifications for what it wants in its school curriculum and textbooks, and according to the people who publish those books, Texas is such a big customer that they must incorporate Texas’s standards or risk losing the state’s business.  (Apparently, despite advances in modern technology, publishers aren’t capable of producing different editions for different customers – even a customer as large as Texas.)

The last time the Texas school board set about protecting the state’s children from the left-wing pinko version of history, according to the New York Times (March 12, 2010), “They…included a plank to ensure that students learn about ‘the conservative resurgence of the 1980s and 1990s, including Phyllis Schlafly, the Contract With America, the Heritage Foundation, the Moral Majority and the National Rifle Association.’”  Amid these many changes, Texas appears to be instituting a quota on how many women it deems worth studying:  to make room for Ms. Schlafly – one of the true giants – Susan B. Anthony bit the dust.

Bye, Susan.  Real Texans are still pretty much on the fence about what you accomplished anyway.  The Curmudgeon guesses there was no discussion about the possibility of learning about Gloria Steinem and Betty Friedan.

The new curriculum calls for a more spirited defense of that most patriotic of Americans, 1950s senator Joe McCarthy, and more about Ronald Reagan.  Alas, there’s no truth to the rumor that a proposal to include J.R. Ewing in the new curriculum lost in a very close vote.

One school board member, Dr. McLeroy, a dentist (The Curmudgeon’s favorite profession to turn to for insight on public education and U.S. history)

pushed through a change to the teaching of the civil rights movement to ensure that students study the violent philosophy of the Black Panthers in addition to the nonviolent approach of the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.  He also made sure that textbooks would mention the votes in Congress on civil rights legislation, which Republicans supported.  “Republicans need a little credit for that,” he said. “I think it’s going to surprise some students.”

Another board member, the Times reported, “won approval for an amendment saying students should ‘study the unintended consequences’ of the Great Society legislation, affirmative action and Title IX legislation.”

Yeah, those nasty unintended consequences of Title IX:  fewer scholarships for football because now universities had to let those damn girls play sports, too.  Imagine – girls wanting to play sports.  What’s the world coming to?

According to the Times, Dr. McLeroy also “won approval for an amendment stressing that German and Italians as well as Japanese were interned in the United States during World War II, to counter the idea that the internment of Japanese was motivated by racism.”  Let’s see:  120,000 Japanese-Americans interned, 11,000 Germans, and maybe 3000 Italians at a time when people of German and Italian ancestry were in the U.S. in huge numbers and there were relatively few Japanese.  Nope, no racism there.

A voice of dissent in all this rewriting of history was Mavis Knight, a Dallas Democrat.  The Times tells us that Ms. Knight “introduced an amendment requiring that students study the reasons ‘the founding fathers protected religious freedom in America by barring the government from promoting or disfavoring any particular religion above all others.’”  Alas, Ms. Knight’s effort was defeated in a straight party-line vote.

Separation of church and state is a real sore subject for Texans – kind of like mentioning former FEMA director Mike Brown (“Brownie”) to someone who lived in New Orleans when Hurricane Katrina blew through town.  “I reject the notion by the left of a constitutional separation of church and state,” a conservative realtor named David Bradley told the New York Times.  Realtors are always The Curmudgeon’s go-to profession for insight on constitutional law.

Texans are of two minds when it comes to the separation of church and state:  most of them are against it and many of them believe no such separation exists.  Their opposition to a separation between church and state was the inspiration behind the state school board’s directive for the curriculum to reduce its focus on Thomas Jefferson, who is being relegated to a relatively minor figure in American history because he was one of the strongest voices on behalf of the separation; it turns out that to Texans, you’re only an important historical figure in American history if they like what you did in American history.  So who gets the attention once lavished on Jefferson?  Another Jefferson – Jefferson Davis.  Texas schoolchildren now study the inaugural speech of Jefferson Davis alongside those of Abraham Lincoln.

Texans just love a guy who tries to blow off the U.S. government.


The Government of the New Republic of Texas

So let us consider some of the implications of Texas declaring its independence and going solo.

For starters, the New Republic of Texas – or N-ROT, as it will become known internationally – will need a new government once it goes out on its own.  Since Texans (or Rottens, as they will come to be known) seem to hate the U.S. federal system so much, maybe they’ll have a prime minister and a parliament instead of a president and a Congress.  Maybe they’ll even prefer a premier and a Politburo.

Or maybe they’ll just find it easier to start some royal lineage and have a king.  How does “The House of Bush” grab you?

Of course, being Texans, they’re not much fond of gov’mint at all, so maybe they’ll just skip the whole thing and go back to the days of the old west, where the guy with the fastest gun made the rules.

And it seems pretty much a foregone conclusion that Texas won’t be joining the U.N. anytime soon.

Courts?  Maybe, maybe not.  Texans think there’s something wrong with people who question law enforcement, so maybe anyone charged with a crime in N-ROT would automatically be considered guilty.  Maybe Texas can save money on prisons and just execute everyone convicted of a crime.  In the past, Texas has been criticized for executing convicted killers suffering from mental retardation.  Freed from the slings and arrows of those eastern elite, Ivy League-educated, blue blazer-wearing, superior-acting American liberals, Texas would now be free to execute such individuals with impunity – and even, if it wishes, to make mental retardation itself a crime.

Unlike many new countries, N-ROT shouldn’t have to start from scratch when it comes to government facilities.  There are a lot of federal installations, buildings, and facilities in Texas, and in all fairness, Texans helped pay for those facilities.  (Contrary to what Texans believe, by the way, they were not ripped off by all those sissy Californians and Marylanders all these years; Texas got back about ninety-seven cents for every dollar it paid into the federal treasury, and the three cents difference can easily be justified as payment for pain and suffering at the hands of twelve years of Bush rule.)  The Curmudgeon suggests that the U.S. government turn over those facilities to Texas – but not the military equipment.  If Texans wants to build an army, they can pay for it themselves.  They love guns, so equipping their new army might be a good choice for the official national sport.  In fact, Texans may already own enough guns to outfit an entire new army, and we’re sure the top scientists from all those great Texas institutions of higher learning – you know, Brazosport College, Prairie View A&M, Tomball College, the University of the Incarnate Word, and a few others – will be able to get Texas’s missile and nuclear (to be pronounced “nu-cu-lar” under Texas law) capabilities up to speed in no time.


The New Texas Economy

N-ROT has the makings of a pretty strong economy.  After all, it has all that oil – you know, black gold, Texas tea – and can quickly become a major exporter of oil and perhaps have a positive balance of trade.  N-ROT would be free to eliminate all of those pesky environmental regulations that seek to do silly things like keep the air and water clean and prevent people from getting sick.  In so doing, it can both declare its independence from oppressive American regulations and perhaps squeeze more oil out of those famous Texas wells.  If some people get sick from dirty air and water, well, survival of the fittest would probably be an excellent motto for the new country.  One might even call it Darwinian, except that invoking the name of the famous passenger on the H.M.S. Beagle will probably be a crime in N-ROT.

The Curmudgeon suspects that oil companies will be very eager to find new ways to maximize their oil profits, so here’s an idea for Texas:  revoke that dependency-inducing minimum wage.  After all, only communists demand that people be paid even a poverty-level wage.  $7.25 an hour?  Forget it.  Pay them four bucks an hour and tell them they ought to be grateful for even that.  Sick days?  No way.  Paid vacation?  That’s for sissies.  Health care benefits?  Only weak non-Texans ever get sick.  Again, you might call it Darwinian if doing so wouldn’t get you tossed into the hoosegow.

There might be a real market for four-dollar-an-hour jobs, too, because the U.S. federal government employs 250,000 Texans (as of 2006) who would all lose their jobs because the U.S. needs to do what Texans always insist and not send perfectly good American jobs out of the country.  After a few months of fending for themselves – unemployment compensation, after all, is redistributive and therefore unacceptably socialistic and will be forbidden in N-ROT – they should be grateful to get four dollars an hour.

Texas’s 3.5 million social security recipients will need to find jobs, too, because there won’t be any social security for them; social security is for real Americans only.  Grandpa Billy-Bob better hope those jobs offer health care benefits, too, because they’ll be kicked out of Medicare, which like social security is for Americans only; Rottens will probably be relieved to be free of those Marxist Ponzi schemes.  As for those feckless 4.1 million mostly children and their mothers in Texas currently sponging off Medicaid:  suck it up, folks.  That which doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger.  Unless, of course, it does kill you.

But Texans are pretty big on rugged individualism, so these should be but minor obstacles.


Maybe a lot of these people can find employment in the new Texas army; after all, countries need armies, right?  And N-ROT will certainly need an army, at the very least to guard its borders against all those Mexicans trying to cross over – not to mention the potentially dangerous terrorists who might try to cross into Texas over its borders with new enemies New Mexico, Oklahoma, Louisiana, and of course those sneaky folks in Arkansas.

Another employment opportunity for all those Texans who need work will be in agriculture.  It turns out that all those very independent Texas farmers – you know, the ones who raised themselves up by their bootstraps and became successful without any help from those Bolshevists in Washington – are actually the single biggest recipient of farm subsidies in the entire U.S.:  they’ve been feeding off the public teat to the tune of $24.4 billion in farm subsidies between 1995 and 2010 – more than nine percent of all U.S. farm subsidies.  N-ROT surely has no intention of subsidizing lazy farmers, so those farmers may be able to compensate for the loss of their federal welfare money by paying workers less than the U.S. minimum wage to plow the fields and pick the crops.  And no more babying those farm workers, either:  regulations governing meal breaks, bathroom breaks, and water breaks could be abolished by the N-ROT government; people who complain could be invited to seek employment elsewhere.


Life in the New Republic of Texas

Texas college students who want to attend American colleges and universities would need to obtain foreign student visas, but as Texans have long complained, it would be inappropriate for the U.S. to issue too many such student visas.  This is a classic case, by the way, of seeing the shoe on the other foot.

Hurts, don’t it?

Ordinary Texans who like to travel to American vacation spots will need passports to visit Disneyland, Las Vegas, and other places in the great forty-nine states.  Those who remain behind will have to hope their professional sports teams are still welcome in American sports leagues.  Under Texas law, by the way, the name of the sport the Dallas Cowboys play might legally be changed to “f’ball.”

Of course, while Texas is trashing its environmental regulations to facilitate greater oil production, it also can consider whether it needs many of its other laws.  Guns will certainly be legal – legal in the home, legal on the streets, legal in church, maybe even legal on Air N-ROT, the state’s national airline.  Maybe people will end up carrying guns everywhere they go – even to elementary schools (“For show and tell today, I want to show how big a hole my dad’s Glock can blow in our third grade class president”).  Maybe carrying guns will even be mandatory.

Nationhood would also free the Texas school board to really get down to the business of educating students properly – that is, if Texas chooses to require any education at all.  Many Texans believe children should be taught only in their own homes and only by their own parents; maybe in the future that will be the only way children get an education in N-ROT.  If the new nation does have schools, they can drop any pretense of teaching American history – much like American schools virtually ignore the history of most of the rest of the world – and can further reduce “science” to what they believe it really is:  liberal bellyaching and propaganda.  Global warming?  Doesn’t exist.  Evolution?  A liberal conspiracy.  Every school day can begin with prayer and the Texas pledge of allegiance:

I raise my hand with all respect

To the lone star flag I vow to protect.

To believe in god, in divine creation,

And to fight to the death for our N-ROT nation.


 Is There Anything More Un-American Than a Texan?

When you think about it, there may be nothing less American than a Texan, so the next time Texans suggest they might be better off without us, perhaps we should give them a hearty handshake, point them toward the door, and wish them all the best in their future endeavors.  Texans like to do things big, so when we do it, we should definitely offer them a great big Texas-sized smile.

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  • By Oh, Those Texans! | The Four-Eyed Curmudgeon on March 3, 2017 at 6:02 am

    […] Curmudgeon has written about those wacky Texans in the past (including here, here, here, here, here, here, and oh yes, here, too). He doesn’t know what it is with them, but he’s […]

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