August News Quiz

  1. “Pussy Riot” is the name of:  a) new cat food from Purina; b) the Labor Day weekend women’s underwear sale at Macy’s; c) a brothel in Nevada; or d) a Russian punk rock band whose members were sentenced to two years in jail for hooliganism because they performed music critical of Russian dictator Vladimir Putin?
  2.  The most powerful woman on television today is:  a) Diane Sawyer, because she anchors a network news broadcast; b) Kathie Lee Gifford, because she can work half-crocked every day without getting fired; c) Nancy Grace, because she can talk about the same three cases night after night, week after week, and month after month and still keep her job; or d) Oprah Winfrey, because she now has her own network that has about six viewers?
  3. To vote in Pennsylvania, a person now must:  a) be at least eighteen years of age and a resident of the state; b) be registered to vote; c) have proper photo ID; or d) be white and registered Republican?
  4. The nude photos of Prince Harry in Las Vegas demonstrate that:  a) boys just wanna have fun; b) all that in-breeding that goes on in royal circles has yielded yet another idiot; c) the family jewels may not be as impressive as people have been led to believe; or d) it turns out that what happens in Vegas doesn’t necessarily stay in Vegas?
  5. The Augusta National Golf Club, which hosts the Masters tournament, has admitted its first two female members ever.  A spokesman for the club explained that:  a) it was time; b) it was long overdue; c) the blacks and the Jews didn’t ruin the club so we thought we could take a chance with women; or d) because of the economy, we’ve had to cut back on our staff, so we’re counting on these little ladies to clean up every night before they leave?
  6. The combination of the popularity of Rick Santorum in this year’s presidential primaries, the movement to require women seeking abortions to obtain transvaginal ultrasounds, and congressman Todd Akin’s remarks about “legitimate rape” suggest that Republicans:  a) are really behind the times; b) hate women; c) have declared war on women; d) don’t realize that women are actually allowed to vote now?
  7. Linda McMahon, wife of wrestling promoter Vince McMahon and former president of the World Wrestling Federation, just won the Republican nomination to run for the Connecticut U.S. Senate seat being vacated by Joe Lieberman.  If elected, Ms. McMahon said she will:  a) urge President Obama to appoint Hulk Hogan secretary of defense; b) call on the Pentagon to teach the “camel clutch” as part of the hand-to-hand combat training all American soldiers receive; c) enlist the services of the “Iron Sheik” to help negotiate with Iran; or d) put the sleeper hold on any Democrats who propose legislation that would raise federal spending?
  8. Meles Zenawi, prime minister of Ethiopia, died last week at the age of fifty-seven.  Upon learning of his death, many Americans thought:  a) how sad for his family; b) how unfortunate for his country; c) is Ethiopia still a country; or d) I thought Haile Selassie was prime minister of Ethiopia?
  9. Facebook has introduced a mandatory change in users’ Facebook pages because:  a) it wants to improve the experience for its users; b) it wants to create more space for ads that no one wants to buy; c) it wants to distract attention from the poor performance of its recently issued stock; or d) you don’t pay to use Facebook so it can do anything it damn well pleases and they don’t give a rat’s ass what you think or want?
  10. The best musical on Broadway today is:  a) Jersey Boys, which features songs made popular by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons forty years ago; b) Chicago, a show that’s now more than a quarter-century old; c) Mary Poppins, a remake of a musical more than fifty years old; or d) considering that Broadway rarely features anything fresh and new and most Americans wouldn’t go to New York City on a dare, who really cares anymore?
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