September News Quiz

  1. The title of the new Clint Eastwood movie that premiered last week is:  a)  Every Which Way But Coherent; b) The Good, the Bad, and the Doddering; c) A Fistful of Gibberish; or d) The Chair Whisperer?
  2. Radio talk show host Glenn Beck has charged an American Airlines flight attendant with being rude to him because of his conservative political views.  The flight attendant stands accused of:  a) talking a lot to other passengers but not to Beck; b) failing to open Beck’s can of soda; c) making positive comments about “the very liberal cities in America”; or d) exceedingly good judgment?
  3. Earlier this month, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney told a private audience that “There are 47% of the people who will vote for the president no matter what.  All right, there are 47% who are with him, who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it.  That that’s an entitlement … And they will vote for this president no matter what … These are people who pay no income tax … My job is not to worry about those people.  I’ll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives.”  Among these parasitic, dependent, self-entitled, wrong-minded, un-American people are:  a) you, your retired parents, or your retired grandparents, who paid into social security for forty or fifty years and now selfishly believe that paying into the federal pension system actually entitles them to some kind of pension; b) you, your retired parents, or your retired grandparents, who’ve paid Medicare taxes since 1966 to pay for health care for seniors based on the promise that when their time came, they would receive Medicare benefits and now are acting like pigs at the trough for asking for what was promised to them; c) past members of the military who now obnoxiously believe that just because they were injured in service to their country, their country should help pay for the care they need for those wounds; or d) those millions of pesky and selfish six-, seven-, eight-, and nine-year-olds whose parents have tricked them into believing they need to learn to read?
  4. The life story of Aretha Franklin is going to be made into a movie.  The leading candidate to play the singer is:  a) Jennifer Hudson; b) Queen Latifah; c) Gabourey “Gabby” Sidibe; or d) Tyler Perry, dressed in drag?
  5. Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown has objected to his opponent speaking publicly about his voting record in the Senate, stating that “I don’t need Professor Warren talking or speaking or commenting on my votes.”  Instead, Brown would like voters to decide whether to return him to office based on:  a) the platform of the Republican Party; b) his boyish good looks; c) his modeling career; or d) his 1982 Cosmopolitan magazine centerfold?
  6. Scientists have used human stem cells to restore the hearing of deaf gerbils.  This is good news for:  a) deaf humans, because it could be an all-important first step in learning how to use stem cells to restore their hearing; b) veterinarians who figure to reap a windfall when deaf gerbils start coming to them to get their hearing restored; c) deaf gerbils in pet stores whose fellow gerbils are trying to warn them not to look so cute because the customer eyeing them lasciviously has a practice called “gerbiling” in mind; or d) cute but deaf female gerbils who never realized that male gerbils were whistling at them?
  7. Deena Cortese, a member of the Jersey Shore cast, has been banned from a certain Seaside Heights, New Jersey restaurant for two years.  The ban was ordered by:  a) a criminal court judge, because Cortese was arrested there for disorderly conduct; b) the state’s alcohol enforcement office, because of Cortese’s extreme alcohol consumption at the restaurant; c) the owner of the restaurant, because having her there was bad for business; or d) the state board of health, because it was worried about what kind of social diseases the skanky reality television star might be spreading?
  8. Pennsylvania governor Tom Corbett decided against clemency for a man convicted of murdering the person who sexually molested him because:  a) if you commit the crime, you should do the time; b) a murder’s a murder; c) he doesn’t understand all the fuss about sexual molestation and how it might justify murder; or d) when you’re running for re-election, a proven track record as a state-sanctioned murderer is a great thing to have on your resume?
  9. The president of the Chick-fil-A restaurant chain has announced that his company will no longer make contributions to anti-same-sex marriage organizations.  He’s doing this because:  a) he’s had a change of heart and believes people should be able to do as they please; b) he recognizes that his area expertise is dropping chicken into hot oil, not social policy; c) there’s a whole lotta uncooked chicken piling up in his restaurants and it’s starting to smell bad; or d) his son sat down with him last week and began a conversation with “Um, dad, I’m not sure how to tell you this, but…”?
  10. In light of Mitt Romney’s weak poll numbers, Sarah Palin has urged the candidate and his running mate to “go rogue.”  She offered this unsolicited advice because:  a) she thinks it’s Romney’s only chance; b) she’s a seasoned political strategist who knows what she’s talking about when it comes to such things; c) she couldn’t tell him to “go mavericky” because she already used that expression; or d) it worked so well for her and John McCain four years ago?
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