Monthly Archives: March 2013

The Curmudgeon Video of the Week: Matzoh

The Curmudgeon’s fellow Jews are in the midst of Passover, the Charlton Heston/Ten Commandments holiday during which we are prohibited from eating bread but instead eat only that wholly/holy tasteless matzoh.  The following is an entertaining look, courtesy of the funny guys at JibJab, about the unpleasant effect of this very unpleasant food.

Enjoy.

Kim Kardashian is Pregnant and Fat

Not, by the way, that The Curmudgeon cares a whit about Ms. K or any of the other defective members of her bizarre family, but while waiting in line at the supermarket last night for the cashier to ring up his Froot Loops and chocolate milk – staples of any bachelor’s diet, right? – he was entertained by not one, not two, not three, but four different tabloids touting the latest exploits of this generation’s answer to the Gabor sisters.

One of those magazines boasted a headline that poor Kimmy is deeply hurt by all of the comments about her baby fat and pregnancy weight gain, so The Curmudgeon decided that anything that bothers Ms. Thang must certainly be worth doing, hence the obnoxious headline of this short piece.

March News Quiz

  1. Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Argentina was chosen to be the next pope because of:  a) his deep expertise in spiritual matters; b) his readiness to manage a world-wide organization; c) his skill in using social media to communicate with a widespread flock; or d) no past accusations of diddling altar boys?
  2. An eighty-seven-year-old woman died at a California nursing home earlier this month when no one on the facility’s staff administered CPR after the woman collapsed.  The nursing home’s administrator defended the failure to administer CPR, saying that:  a) according to the nursing home’s records, resuscitation was not part of the package of nursing services the woman’s family purchased; b) the woman was notorious for her bad breath and no one would go near her; c) it happened shortly after seven o’clock and everyone was in the lounge watching Matlock, so no one even noticed there was a problem; or d) the company policy is to wait for rescue personnel to administer CPR and not to have staff nurses provide nursing services?
  3. A recent magazine article revealed that two of the three female members of the Supreme Court have taken up weightlifting because:  a) a sound body leads to a sound mind; b) it’s a very sedentary job, so they need the exercise; c) the court administrator referred to their robes as moo-moos; or d) they’ve decide that it’s time Justice Antonin Scalia got the ass-kicking he so richly deserves?
  4. The internet bargain company Groupon fired its CEO after several money-losing quarters.  Analysts believe the company’s next CEO will:  a) have more executive experience than his predecessor; b) make better use of technology than his predecessor; c) come from a marketing background; or d) have his salary discounted forty percent?
  5. The current leader in Republican presidential polls is:  a) Rand Paul; b) Marco Rubio; c) Jeb Bush; or d) really?  Do we have to hear about this already?
  6. Hunters in Utah are paid a bounty of fifty dollars by the state for every coyote they kill.  The state is offering this bounty because:  a) coyotes are killing livestock; b) coyotes are killing dogs and cats; c) coyotes are killing deer that hunters want to kill themselves; or d) the state wants to protect the Roadrunner?
  7. Some members of Congress want to weaken the Dodd-Frank law that was passed in 2010 to make the American financial system more accountable and transparent and to protect ordinary working people from the kind of Wall Street-induced recession the country experienced beginning in 2008.  They now want to weaken the law because:  a) people on Wall Street make large political contributions, ordinary working people don’t; b) the Wall Street people now say they’re sorry and promise they won’t do it again and that’s good enough for Congress; c) protecting ordinary working people isn’t part of the job description; or d) Dodd and Frank are no longer in Congress so there’s no reason any law they sponsored should still be valid?
  8. The Atlantic City casino Trump Plaza was recently sold for the bargain basement price of $20 million – far less than the value of even the building, the land on which it sits, and its furnishings.  This signifies that:  a) it’s no longer as easy as it used to be to get people to piss away their money; b) people are still reluctant to visit an attraction where your life is in jeopardy if you wander more than two blocks in the wrong direction; c) there’s not much of a market for a seaside resort in which it’s freezing in that sea for seven months of the year; or d) Donald Trump has once again demonstrated that he has no idea how to run a successful casino?
  9. Controversy has arisen over a new law prohibiting the unlocking of cell phones.  The major issue is:  a) cell phone makers have a proprietary interest in the technology they develop and believe only they should be able to modify that technology; b) people who buy high-end cell phones believe they should be able to do anything they want with them; c) government shouldn’t be involved in this matter one way or the other; or d) how do you fit a key into a tiny cell phone?
  10. Danielle Fishel, the actress who played the adorable character “Topanga” on the old television series Boy Meets World, is now all grown up and recently posed for a revealing photo to accompany a magazine article about a sequel to the 1993-2000 series.  In similar news:  a) the Olsen twins are now doing girl-on-girl; b) Winnie Cooper has been identified as the head of a drug cartel; c) Honey-Boo-Boo was observed hustling outside a Georgia Walmart; or d) Lindsay Lohan was…oh, hell, is there anything Lindsay Lohan could possible do that would surprise anyone anymore?

A “Director’s Cut” of WHAT?

The Curmudgeon was surprised to see an ad on television this past week for a broadcast of the “director’s cut” of the Steve Carell movie The 40-Year-Old Virgin.

A director’s cut of Citizen Kane?  Cool.

A director’s cut of The Godfather?  Outstanding.

A director’s cut of The Princess Bride?  Excellent.

But a director’s cut of The 40-Year-Old Virgin?  Really?  Why?

Is the world really clamoring to know more about how the director envisioned The 40-Year-Old Virgin?

Step Away From the Pop-Tart

We all know that Pop-Tarts aren’t very good for us – and aren’t very good, for that matter – but who knew that some people consider them potentially lethal?

That’s the only conclusion that can be drawn from recent events in Baltimore, where a seven-year-old boy was suspended from his elementary school for – are you ready for this? – nibbling his Pop-Tart into the shape of a gun.

The boy also allegedly pointed his loaded breakfast pastry – strawberry-filled, by the way – at a classmate and said “Bang bang.”

Or maybe he just said “Yum yum”?

The child said he was trying to nibble it into the shape of a mountain, but we all know how artistically challenged seven-year-old boys can be.  The lad also said he pointed his snack at the ceiling, not at a classmate.

Writing with a presumably grim, determined, and very straight face, the school’s vice principal reported to parents that no one was harmed but that counselors would be available for any children who were traumatized by the incident.

Thank goodness.  Assault with a deadly danish is not to be taken lightly.

The Curmudgeon thinks this is all very silly, of course.  Everyone knows that if you’re going to chew your Pop-Tart into the shape of a gun, your only real choice is the brown sugar cinnamon, not strawberry.

A strawberry Pop-Tart gun?  Now that’s ridiculous.

Not Even Lou Grant

Normally not given to hyperbole, the New York Times went a little overboard this week when it gushed that “Justin Timberlake, no stranger to sartorial makeover, has transformed himself into a new Cary Grant.”

A new Cary Grant?

Yeah – only without, you know, the talent.

justin

The Curmudgeon Video of the Week: West Wing Reunion?

No, not a real reunion of The West Wing, The Curmudgeon’s all-time favorite television series.  Not to say The Curmudgeon’s a West Wing fanatic, but a few years after the program went off the air he had a dream of a complete, never-made West Wing episode of his own creation:  plot, characters, dialogue, a walk and talk, the whole nine yards.  (And yes, he knows:  he really needs to get a life.)

But he was thrilled to see a reunion of almost every important West Wing cast member, playing their old characters, in a non-partisan public address announcement.  See it for yourself here.

And when you’re finished, look up the Yiddish word “kvell.”  It describes how The Curmudgeon felt when he first saw this clip.

Liberals and Progressives

The Curmudgeon gets an enormous kick out of political liberals – of which he is definitely one – calling themselves “progressives.”  When you think about it, isn’t a progressive just a liberal who lacks, or who lost, the guts to call himself (or herself) a liberal and just wants to use a term that won’t offend or make themselves an object of ridicule?

Whatever happened to the courage of your convictions?  This guy knows; see for yourself here.

Disrespectful Congressman

The Curmudgeon imagines that no one would ever lose money betting against a member of Congress showing disrespect for the American people, but sometimes that disrespect is so blatant, so obnoxious, that it takes a very special brand of jackass to pull it off.

The jackass, in this case, is Congressman Paul Ryan, who recently proposed a bill that would abolish the federal health care reform law (the Affordable Care Act, or as some people prefer to call it, Obamacare) and turn Medicare essentially into a voucher support program in which the federal government would give seniors a voucher for a certain amount toward health insurance, leaving the seniors to pay the difference between the voucher amount and the cost of the insurance they want.

And if the seniors can’t afford that payments?  Well, that’s too bad, grandma.

Let’s put aside for a moment whether this is a good idea.  It’s an issue on which reasonable people may differ.  (Well, it isn’t, not really, but this particular commentary isn’t about health care reform.)

It’s much harder, though, to put aside the sheer disrespect that Congressman Ryan is showing to the American voters with this proposal.  Last year he ran for vice president saying the same things:  overturn the health care reform law and turn Medicare into a voucher program.  His side lost – lost big time, and lost in part because of this very idea, which was one of the biggest campaign issues.

And now, Ryan has the audacity to turn around, just four months after the election, just four months after the voters told him and his idea to take a hike, and introduce the very same proposal all over again in Congress.

You, the voter, have been disrespected by this man.  He’s telling you that what he wants is more important than the very, very clear message you sent to him, to everyone in Washington, last November.

Not nice.  Ryan has a reputation as a really smart guy, and for all The Curmudgeon knows he may be, but he’s also apparently a pretty bad guy, too.

Onomatopoeia

Sometime in your past – possibly high school, maybe even junior high – you learned that onomatopoeia is, as explained by the dictionary that’s never more than an arm’s length away from The Curmudgeon whenever he writes, “formation of words that imitate or suggest what they stand for, as cuckoo, plop, sizzle.”

The Curmudgeon recently thought of a new,  even better example of onomatopoeia:

“Andy Dick.”