April News Quiz

  1. Newly anointed Pope Francis has decided, at least temporarily, to live at the Vatican hotel instead of the official papal apartment.  He’s doing this because:  a) he wants to live a simpler life and finds the papal apartment too ostentatious; b) coin-operated vibrating bed; c) points toward free airline tickets; or d) free breakfast buffet features eggs pope benedict?
  2. The Republican National Committee has announced that it will provide no financial support for the congressional campaign of Mark Sanford, the former South Carolina governor who infamously lied about going off to hike in the woods for a few days when he was actually in South America with his mistress.  Republicans pulled their support for Sanford because:  a) he violated their code of conduct – not by cheating on his wife but by getting caught; b) they are offended that he didn’t think American women were good enough to have an affair with; c) they’re suspicious of anyone who considers hiking a vacation-worthy activity; or d) they were sick and tired of Sanford constantly calling his son Lamont a “big dummy”?
  3. Actress Ashley Judd announced that she will not run for the Kentucky Senate seat currently held by Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell.  Judd said she’s not running because:  a) as people have pointed out to her, she doesn’t even live in Kentucky; b) she learned that Senate debates aren’t scripted; c) she recently received a better offer to co-star with Bruce Willis in the movie sequel Die Hard Already, Please; or d) photos recently surfaced of her and her sister Wynona as children swimming nude in the cee-ment pond?
  4. Congress passed a resolution prohibiting the U.S. Postal Service from stopping Saturday mail delivery because:  a) the American people want their Saturday mail delivery; b) American businesses want their Saturday mail delivery; c) Saturday is the only day that most working people can get to the post office to conduct business; or d) that’s the day Playboy and Penthouse usually arrive?
  5. The Bravo cable television network has announced 17 new series for its fall season.  The most promising program is:  a) Princesses:  Long Island, about six young Long Island women who return to their parents’ homes to mooch off their parents and live the good life; b) Heiresses, about young women living the good life on New York City’s upper east side; c) Below Deck, about very good-looking young people living the good life on a yacht; or d) Queer Me, hosted by Carson Kressley, about four Chippendales dancers who try to seduce heterosexual males, with the first to do so winning a prize of $100,000 and a weekend with Andy Cohen, Bravo’s craven programming czar?
  6. Montana recently introduced a law that makes it legal for residents there to take home and eat road kill.  As a result of this new law:  a) Ted Nugent is moving to Montana; b) Paula Deen will have a new Food Network program called Cooking Your Critters; c) the state’s moose population is planning a protest at the state capital; or d) you’d better be very specific when you order your Big Mac in Montana?
  7. Organizers of the Scripps National Spelling Bee have announced that contestants will now need to demonstrate that they know the meaning of the words they spell during the contest’s preliminary rounds.  They’re doing this because:  a) anyone can spell those words; b) they want to foster love of words, not just spelling; c) maybe it’ll stop all those foreign-born kids from winning; or d) demonstrating knowledge of the meaning of words, and not just their spelling, will give other kids another reason to hate the contestants?
  8. The state of Massachusetts is considering a regulation that would require medical marijuana dispensaries in the state to perform laboratory tests of their product to ensure its quality.  The reaction to this proposal was:  a) renewed expressions of outrage that the state is sanctioning the legal sale of marijuana; b) an immediate uptick in the state’s population; c) an avalanche of volunteers to help with the testing; or d) optimism that the new law means Cheech and Chong may work together again?
  9. News Corp., the company that owns Rupert Murdoch’s newspapers, a film studio, Fox News Channel, the Fox broadcast network, the Wall Street Journal, Dow Jones, Harper Collins, and many other media properties, announced that after it spins off its newspaper and book publishing businesses, its new name will be 21st Century Fox because:  a) 20th Century Fox is already taken; b) 22nd Century Fox would make them look stupid; c) shareholders rejected “Rupert;” or d) “Right Wing Reactionary Nut-Jobs” is too long to put on letterhead?
  10. Texas congressman Steve Stockman has unveiled a new bumper sticker that says “If babies had guns, they wouldn’t be aborted.”  Stockman did this because:  a) he really believes it; b) he wants to arm babies; c) he wants to shoot people who perform abortions; or d) now that Allen West lost his seat in the House, he needed to do something drastic to prove he’s now the biggest horse’s ass in Washington?
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