July News Quiz

  1. The controversy behind efforts to make it more difficult to get an abortion in Texas is stoked by:  a) Texans who believe abortion is morally wrong because it involves ending a human life –regardless of what the U.S. Supreme Court has said about the issue; b) Texans who want to impose their own religious beliefs on others – regardless of what the U.S. Supreme Court has said about the issue; c) men who want to impose their will on women – regardless of what the U.S. Supreme Court has said about the issue; or d) Texans who are concerned that if too many low-income, undereducated women can get abortions it will reduce the future pool of Texans to put to death in the state’s heavily used gas chamber?
  2. Russia has a new law that prohibits people from talking about homosexuality to minors.  The law was passed because:  a) Russians believe homosexuality is wrong; b) there are no gay people in Russia and the Russians want to keep it that way; c) Russians want to protect children from people who might speak of homosexuality in a way that might depict it as anything less than completely shameful; or d) President Vladimir Putin needed a diversion from speculation inspired by the frequency with which he is photographed shirtless?
  3. The Egyptian military overthrew Mohamed Morsi, Egypt’s first democratically elected president ever, because:  a) lousy falafels in the mess hall; b) they’re the ones with the guns and tanks and can do whatever they damn well please; c) Morsi had a whole year in office and didn’t fix everything that’s wrong with the country so he’s obviously no good and now it’s someone else’s turn; or d) Egypt is a backwards place with people who have no understanding of what democracy even means and it’s been all downhill for the entire civilization ever since Egyptians invented condoms around 1000 B.C.?
  4. The Whole Foods supermarket chain recalled a brand of cheese because:  a) its name wasn’t snooty enough; b) it didn’t smell foul enough to qualify as snooty cheese; c) it wasn’t sufficiently overpriced to meet the company’s standards; or d) it turned out that the cheese in question was made by Kraft and was actual a solid version of Cheez Whiz?
  5. Former Pennsylvania senator and presidential candidate Rick Santorum was hired as president of EchoLights Studios, a Christian movie company that specializes in wholesome, faith-based entertainment.  Santorum’s first movie as head of the studio will be:  a)  Seventh Heaven:  The Movie But Without That Harlot Jessica Biel; b) They’ll Burn in Hell, starring Lindsay Lohan, Tiger Woods, Anthony Weiner, and Amanda Bynes; c) Grumpy Old Men 3, a documentary about Harry Reid, Alec Baldwin, Keith Olbermann, and Michael Moore;  or d) Sandy, the story of the hurricane god sent in response to the television series Jersey Shore?
  6. Three lawsuits filed against the puppeteer behind the Sesame Street character Elmo claiming he had abused underaged children were dismissed because:  a) there was no proof of any abuse; b) the court said the people who filed the suit waited too long after the alleged abuse; c) the court found that Elmo has no income because he is, after all, just a puppet, rendering it impossible for him to pay any judgment against him; or d) it’s a well-known fact that Big Bird, not Elmo, is the pedophile in the group?
  7. Texas governor Rick Perry has announced that he will not seek re-election because:  a) Texas is now perfect and there’s nothing left for him to do; b) it’s time to cash in and get rich; c) Fox News has offered him its “former elected official who’s actually a nitwit” commentator slot that’s been vacant ever since Sarah Palin left; or d) he feels he came so close to being elected president in 2012 that he wants to try again in 2016?
  8. George Zimmerman was acquitted of the charge of murdering Trayvon Martin because:  a) there were no real eyewitnesses and it was just one person’s word against another and the jury couldn’t decide; b) the word of white people carries more weight in Florida courts than the word of black people; c) black people out at night in Florida are fair game and everybody knows that; or d) white people killing black people isn’t really considered a crime in Florida?
  9. England’s reaction to the news that the Duchess of Cambridge has delivered a healthy baby boy was:  a) great pride over the arrival of the latest heir to the throne; b) relief that the baby bears no apparent resemblance to his grandfather, Prince Charles; c) amusement that the rest of the world takes such interest in the affairs of a family that is of such little consequence or value; or d) embarrassment that a modern society like their own still has silly things like kings, queens, princes, princesses, dukes, and duchesses?
  10. Penn State University recently announced that it will require its 17,000 employees to submit to the university information about their cholesterol, body mass index, blood pressure, and waist size or suffer a $100 monthly surcharge.  The university is doing this because:  a) it cares about its employees’ health; b) it will enable the university to save money on health insurance; c) it knows it can get away with it because the university is located in the middle of nowhere and it’s not like its employees can quit in protest and get other jobs; or d) for years Penn State ignored a university employee who was fucking little boys and now the university is pleased to be in a position to abuse its authority to do some fucking of its own?
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