Letters, We Get Letters

(It turns out that people are actually reading the “About The Curmudgeon” area on this blog and writing directly to him with questions and comments.  Today he’d like to share some of them with you.)

Dear Curmudgeon,

You seem awfully cranky all the time.  What gives?

Kevin in Kensington

Kevin,

Well, it’s not called “Four-Eyed Pollyana” now, is it?

The Curmudgeon

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Dear Mudge,

Maybe all that curmudgeonliness is because you need to get laid.  Have you taken a vow of chastity?

Rachel in Bridesburg

 Rachel,

Is that an offer, Rach?  If so, what’re you wearing?  No, actually, The Curmudgeon hasn’t taken a vow, but it turns out that you can have the chastity without any vows.

The Curmudgeon

*            *            *

Goldberg,

You liberals are ruining our country – you and your Kenya-born socialist President.  Why don’t you go back to where you came from if you don’t like it here.

Bruiser

Bruiser,

You mean go back to…Philadelphia?

The Curmudgeon

*            *            *

 Cur-baby,

 I think you’re an elitist.  You make fun of popular music and popular television and you flout your education.  If people like something, it seems like you automatically have something nasty to say about it.  I’m about fed up.

 Priscilla

 Dearest Priscilla,

First of all, I think you mean “flaunt,” not “flout.”  Second, you shouldn’t end a sentence with a preposition.

The Curmudgeon

 

Cur-baby,

 Okay, Poindexter, I’m about fed up, you jackass.

 Priscilla

 Priscilla,

 That’s much better.

 The Curmudgeon

*            *            *

Hey Writer-wannabe,

If you were a half-decent writer you’d be on Huffington Post and not have some piddly little stand-alone blog averaging what, nine readers a day?

Arianna

Arianna,

The pay’s the same here, darlin’.  And if you can arrange for the two more daily readers The Curmudgeon needs to get his average up to nine a day, he’d greatly appreciate it.

The Curmudgeon

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 Plato,

 I’ve been reading this blog for a while now and you don’t seem to have an original thought.  Think that day will ever come?

 Marla

Marla,

 In the words of W.H. Auden, “Some writers confuse authenticity, which they ought always to aim at, with originality, which they should never bother about.”  Or, as Voltaire wrote, “Originality is nothing but judicious imitation.  The most original writers borrowed from one another.”

 The Curmudgeon

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Hey Shlomo,

I notice that you never seem to complain about the economy.  Is that because you’re Jewish and Jews control all the banks?

Billy Bob

Dear B.B.,

If we controlled all the banks, then The Curmudgeon would not have needed to spread out payment for his recent dental work over three months.  If, however, it’s true and we do control the banks, then you’re now pretty much screwed, don’t you think?

The Curmudgeon

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Dear Einstein,

How can a bright and engaging guy like you possibly live in a vacuous suburban outpost like Marlton, New Jersey?

Eric

Dear Eric,

Um, maybe because even bright and engaging guys can sometimes make truly terrible decisions?

 The Curmudgeon

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Dear Curmudgeon,

So you’re single.   Is it because you’re afraid of commitment?

Beth

Dear Beth,

The Curmudgeon suspects it’s the curmudgeonliness, not the commitmentliness, that has kept him the eternal/infernal bachelor at the advanced age of fifty-five.  Aside from that, this is a serious question that requires a somewhat complex answer, so let The Curmudgeon start by explaining… well, never mind, Let’s just say The Curmudgeon has no problem with commitment.

 The Curmudgeon

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 Dear Worthless,

Since you’re an Ivy Leaguer, Jewish, and a city boy, I’m assuming that when it comes to doing men’s work with your hands, things like plumbing, electrical work, carpentry, fixing a car, things like that, you’re pretty useless.  Have I got that right?

Jake the Plumber

Jake,

Almost, Jake.  The Curmudgeon has always been pretty good with yard work, he’s excellent with a paint brush or roller, and when he sees comments like yours, he may not be great with his hands but he always knows what to do with twenty percent of one.

The Curmudgeon

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Dear Fellow Blogger,

Since you’re a blogger, I imagine you read tons of blogs yourself.  Have any recommendations for your readers?

Warren

Warren,

Actually, as he explained in his very first blog post nearly two years ago, The Curmudgeon came late to blogging because he never understood why anyone would want to read the views of others.  Consequently, he reads no other blogs.  Also, it looks like the daily visitor stats for The Four-Eyed Curmudgeon demonstrate that his original thesis was pretty much correct.

The Curmudgeon

 *            *            *

Hey Ralph Lauren,

You seem real down to earth but I’m guessing you’re a pretty snappy dresser.  True?

Helen

Dearest Helen,

The Curmudgeon showed this question to his sister and she’s still laughing.  Actually, he thinks she may have pulled something.

The Curmudgeon

 *            *            *

Hey, Strunk and White,

What’s with all the colons, semi-colons, and dashes, dude?  Can’t you just write in a straightforward manner?

Essie

Essie,

 Speaking parenthetically – The Curmudgeon’s favorite way of speaking – he would have to say this:  he likes colons; he likes semi-colons; and he’s especially fond of dashes, both en- and em- alike.  Think of it this way:  in the Green Acres game of life, The Curmudgeon is Mr. Kimball.

The Curmudgeon