January News Quiz

  1. An aide to New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is suspected of closing lanes leading to the George Washington Bridge to create a massive traffic jam.  The governor reportedly wanted this so he could:  a) stick it to New Yorkers; b) get political revenge against the mayor of the town in which the bridge’s on-ramp is located; c) remind people who’s boss; or d) clear a path for the quick run he wanted to make to the Krispy Kreme in Manhattan?
  2. The Captain and Tennille have filed for divorce after thirty-nine years of marriage.  The break-up of their marriage has been attributed to:  a) the Captain just wouldn’t take off that silly hat; b) after thirty-nine years, Tennille was frustrated that the Captain couldn’t even get promoted to lieutenant colonel; c) thirty-nine years of finger-pointing over which one of them is to blame for “Muskrat Love;” or d) it turns out that love really couldn’t keep them together?
  3. Venture capitalist Thomas Perkins recently wrote a letter to the Wall Street Journal in which he compared the current climate toward rich people to the manner in which the Nazis treated Jews.  Perkins feels this way because:  a) the government forced him and other wealthy people to wear armbands so hostile citizens could identify them as rich and abuse them without fear of penalty or prosecution; b) the government took away his home and all his money, possessions, and assets; c) police knocked on his door in the middle of the night, bashed in his teeth with the butt of their rifles, and dragged him and his entire family to jail; or d) his family was exterminated in a gas chamber for the crime of being born into wealth?
  4. Less than two months after a member of the cast of the television program Duck Dynasty made inflammatory remarks about gays and blacks, another member of the cast was invited by Louisiana Republican Congressman Vance McAllister to attend President Obama’s state of the union address.  McAllister issued the invitation because:  a) they’re lovers and McAllister is proud and out and wants to share it with the world; b) he believes Congress shouldn’t discriminate against racist homophobes; c) he never wants to miss an opportunity to thumb his nose at the president; or d) he hopes this will attract political contributions from Louisiana’s all-important redneck constituency?
  5. Walmart announced that it will lay off 2300 Sam’s Club employees because:  a) all Walmart operations are known for being heavily staffed and it was time to slim down; b) minimum wage increases in some states are expected to put a dent in the company’s bottom line; c) raising rank-and-file store employee pay from $9.05 to $9.15 an hour made them fat, complacent, and lazy; or d) the corporation only made $17 billion in profits last year so heads obviously had to roll?
  6. A Russian research ship and its seventy-four passengers were recently freed from ice in Antarctica.  The ship steered a wrong course and ended up where it didn’t belong because:  a) Russians are lousy sailors; b) Google Maps missed a key buoy 200 miles south of Cape Horn; c) no one was at the wheel because the captain thought he heard show tunes coming from the galley and ordered the entire crew to begin searching for a suspected homosexual; or d) when the ship reached a crucial juncture during its journey it mistakenly tacked right instead of left because anyone who moves toward the left in Putin’s Russia ends up in jail?
  7. In a recent speech, former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee said that Democrats’ insistence on coverage for birth control pills in Obamacare-approved health insurance plans is proof that the Democrats want to make women dependent on government to control their libido.  These remarks demonstrate that:  a) Huckabee is disappointed that Republicans have let up in their war on women and is now anxious to get the whole thing rolling again; b) Huckabee is testing a major campaign theme in anticipation of running for the Republican presidential nomination; c) Huckabee next plans to call for an end to insurance coverage for vasectomies because he doesn’t want men to become dependent on insurance to help them control the consequences of their libido; or d) Mrs. Huckabee needs to buy a nice nightie and show her husband a good time because it sounds like he clearly needs it really bad?
  8. After J.P. Morgan paid $20 billion in penalties to the federal government and to settle claims filed by investors, the company:  a) apologized and said it would conform to all laws and standards of business practice in the future; b) fired the people responsible for the inappropriate and illegal actions; c) introduced a new company code of ethics to ensure that such a thing could never happen again; or d) gave its CEO a seventy-four percent raise in pay?
  9. Connecticut Governor Dannel Malloy announced that medical marijuana will be sold in his state by this summer.  The governor said he is moving forward with legalizing medical marijuana because:  a) it can alleviate the pain and suffering of people with a wide variety of medical problems; b) it is now becoming the norm; c) the state could use the revenue that taxes on marijuana sales would generate; or d) when you’re standing in the surf with water around your ankles and a wave rolls past you and then rolls back out to sea and you look down at your feet and it seems like you’re moving backwards and you’ve had a toke or two, the feeling’s totally gnarly?
  10. Former American Idol star and singer Clay Aiken is considering running for Congress representing a district in his home state of North Carolina.  The biggest challenge he faces in this quest is:  a) people can’t vote by text message; b) being gay in a redneck state; c) the campaign schedule may conflict with Aiken’s planned appearance on the new Dr. Drew reality show Celebrity Has-Been Rehab; or d) uncontrollable laughter among the state’s voters?
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