April News Quiz

  1. The U.S. Supreme Court upheld Michigan’s ban on affirmative action because: a) it believes affirmative action is unnecessary; b) it believes it’s unfair; c) it believes it’s unconstitutional; or d) it saw the effect a single Clarence Thomas could have on an otherwise distinguished group?
  2. The National Basketball Association revealed that it is considering putting the names of sponsors on players’ uniforms. It may do this because: a) it wants the NBA experience to seem even more amateurish than it already is; b) the league is so starved for revenue; c) the players love the idea of wearing the names of sponsors on their backs; or d) why would the league’s best player want his jersey to say “LeBron James” when it could say “Preparation H” instead?
  3. A new academic journal, published by a professor of cultural studies at England’s Middlesex College, is dedicated to enhancing understanding of pornography. The purpose of the journal is to: a) shed new light on the subject; b) help the school recruit more students; c) put the “sex” back in Middlesex College; or d) give horny, middle-aged college professors an excuse to cruise internet porn web sites?
  4. Reince Priebus is: a) the new captain of the Starship Enterprise in the next “Star Trek” movie; b) a new internet virus; c) a particularly nasty strain of syphilis; or d) the chairman of the Republican National Committee?
  5. General Motors admitted knowing about a faulty switch in 2.5 million of its cars for years before coming forward, acknowledging that the flaw resulted in a dozen deaths and hundreds of injuries, and recalling the cars for repairs. Company officials said they delayed acting because: a) they thought no one had noticed and certainly had no intention of blowing the whistle on themselves; b) the problem only affected GM’s small cars and the company didn’t really want to waste time and energy worrying about people who buy the company’s least expensive, least profitable cars; c) replacement switches cost fifty-seven cents apiece and the company thought that was outrageous and unaffordable; or d) the compensation of the people who decide on voluntary recalls is tied to the price of the company’s stock, which would have tumbled had the company announced a major recall?
  6. A new study has found the purpose of zebras’ stripes is to ward off parasitic flies. Previous theories suggested that zebras had stripes: a) because of a genetic fluke; b) to serve as camouflage and protect them from predators; c) to help them attract mates; or d) because zebras have really, really bad fashion sense?
  7. Kim Kardashian took to Twitter to urge her fans to help save an Armenian village in Syria that’s been taken over by rebel forces. She asked her Twitter followers to help “get this trending” because: a) after she launches her own line of feminine hygiene products (“introducing the Kim Kardashian couture douche bag”), she aspires to negotiate peace in the middle east; b) she assumes that important public officials follow her on Twitter; c) she believes “getting something trending” and therefore mentioned on E Entertainment News constitutes real action because America turns to Ryan Seacrest for all the really important news; or d) she admires Condoleezza Rice so much that the former secretary of state is now her second-favorite role model, after Zsa Zsa Gabor?
  8. An orthopedic surgeon in Syracuse has been accused of slapping the behinds of patients under anesthesia. Confronted with the accusation, the doctor said: a) not true, not true; b) it’s how I test to make sure my patients are really under before I start operating; c) it’s how I start the process of bringing my patients out of anesthesia; or d) it’s just like in football – slapping my patients on the backside is a form of encouragement and camaraderie?
  9. As the Archie Comic Books brings its “Archie” series to an end after more than seventy years, it has revealed that in the final edition, it will kill off Archie. The cause of death will be: a) murder – Jughead kills him; b) asphyxiation: members of the football team stuff him in his locker and he runs out of air; c) diabetes – all those milkshakes at the malt shop; or d) AIDS – it turns out Veronica really got around and infected half their class?
  10. Nike recently announced that it is raising the price of its least expensive NFL replica jerseys from $135 to $150. Nike said it is raising the price because: a) its CEO wants a new Gulfstream jet; b) market research shows that people are willing to pay more for the jerseys; c) the cost of the materials that the jerseys are made of has risen; or d) rising labor costs: it recently raised the salaries of the fourteen-year-old Chinese girls who make the jerseys from 20 cents an hour to 21 cents an hour?
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  • Scotty  On April 28, 2014 at 7:23 am

    Your best quiz so far. A NASCAR reference would fit #2 , although Prep H is very funny, and accurate .

  • foureyedcurmudgeon  On April 28, 2014 at 8:33 am

    Thanks. I wasn’t aware of it at the time, but it dawns on me now that I subconsciously borrowed from the Johnny Carson school of comedy, which holds that when in doubt, do a Preparation H joke.

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