October News Quiz

  1. The biggest threat to public health in the coming year will be: a) Ebola; b) Entovirus D68; c) the latest strain of the flu virus; or d) a Republican majority in the U.S. Senate?
  2. The lesson to be learned from celebrities having their private nude photos revealed on the internet with neither their permission nor their knowledge is: a) nothing stored in the cloud is truly private; b) nothing people exchange via email or text is truly private; c) the only way to ensure that nude photos of you don’t show up on the internet is not to take nude photos; or d) Jennifer Lawrence is waaaay hotter than anyone realized?
  3. The organization Greenpeace has reported that one of its two-man submarines on an environmental mission in the Bering Sea was attacked by giant squid. The submarines fought off the attacking squid by: a) harpooning them; b) calling for help from Sarah Palin, who’s vigilantly watching from her front porch; c) playing raucous heavy metal rock music in an attempt to scare them away; or d) displaying a deep fryer and marinara sauce in the submarine window to let the squid know that if they didn’t go away, the crew intended to have calamari for dinner that night?
  4. New York Knicks basketball player Amar’e Stoudemire takes baths in red wine as treatment for two surgically repaired knees. Stoudemire bathes in red wine because: a) the grape polyphenols in red wine fight free radicals, which cause eighty percent of skin aging; b) the red wine improves the circulation of his red blood cells; c) no need to run out for refreshments; or d) bathing in white wine would be absolutely classless?
  5. A gunman killed a soldier and then was shot to death while trying to storm Canada’s Parliament building. According to investigators: a) he was a terrorist; b) he was jealous of all the attention given to the man who raced past Secret Service guards and entered the White House; c) he wanted the Parliament to pass a resolution demanding Kennedy Center honors for Robert Goulet; or d) he was angry because they wouldn’t change the name of the country’s national anthem from “Oh, Canada” to “Eh, Canada”?
  6. Florida governor Rick Scott briefly refused to step onto the stage to debate his opponent, Charlie Crist, because Crist had what Scott called an “illegal electronic fan” under his podium. Scott was afraid that: a) the fan would keep Crist cool, thereby making him a more effective debater; b) the fan would drown out Crist’s words, so Scott wouldn’t be able to hear what his opponent was saying; c) the fan would blow Democrat cooties toward him; or d) the fan would feed Crist good lines to use in the debate?
  7. Actor Stephen Collins refers to his sexual desire for children as: a) a preference; b) a sickness; c) greatly overrated; or d) seventh heaven?
  8. The National Football League fined San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick $10,000 for wearing Beats by Dre headphones during a new conference. The problem was that: a) Bose is the official headphones of the NFL, not Dre, and the NFL takes that kind of thing very seriously; b) players shouldn’t be wearing headphones when they’re supposed to be listening and responding to reporters’ questions; c) the headphones clashed with Kaepernick’s outfit; or d) everyone could hear that he was listening to Barry Manilow?
  9. New Jersey Senate candidate Jeff Bell explains that he is unpopular among women voters because he has stated that single pregnant women automatically become Democrats because they are dependent on government aid. He defends this statement because: a) it’s so obviously true; b) this kind of strategy worked so well for Mitt Romney; c) he sees no similarities between pregnant women who receive government services and companies that wouldn’t survive without federal subsidies and contracts and tax breaks; or d) he’s running against Cory Booker, so it’s not like anyone is listening to anything he’s saying anyway?
  10. Leon Panetta, who served as President Obama’s CIA director and defense secretary, published a book critical of his old boss’s performance while that old boss was still in office because: a) he wanted to set the record straight about some things; b) he wanted people to know that he opposed all the bad decisions; c) he felt he could sell more books and make more money by getting the book out sooner rather than later; or d) he knows all about what the U.S. should or shouldn’t do but doesn’t know the meaning of the word “loyalty”?
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