April News Quiz

  1. Brian Williams may not return to his job as anchor of the NBC nightly news because: a) reporters in the network’s Washington bureau strongly oppose it; b) investigators are exploring at least ten other possible lies Williams may have told; c) Williams is mulling an offer to be Sally Struthers’ co-host on the new daily morning program Wake Up, Waco; or d) investigators recently learned that his real name is Shabbaz al-Hamaid and NBC is afraid that would be a ratings disaster?
  2.  The National Football League has hired its first full-time, on-the-field female game official because: a) it wanted to break the gender barrier; b) she was the most qualified person for the job; c) it wanted to distract people from the continuing problem of football players beating up on their wives, girlfriends, and children; or d) it can pay her less?
  3.  After the Food and Drug Administration lowered its recommendation for how much fluoride should be in drinking water: a) people who for years insisted that adding fluoride to water was a communist plot claimed vindication; b) some people said it was a plot to weaken people’s teeth and create more work for dentists; c) some people said it was a plot by toothpaste companies to scare people into brushing more often because they could no longer count on fluoride in the water to protect them from cavities; or d) Jenny McCarthy declared that not enough fluoride in water causes autism?
  4.  Tennessee has a new law that bans local governments from preventing people with gun permits from bringing their guns into parks. The law was necessary because: a) the people of Tennessee believe that if you have a permit to carry a gun it means you should be able to carry that gun everywhere; b) it made for good politics; c) the NRA paid a lot of money for that law; or d) those toddlers playing in the sandbox can get pretty damn rowdy?
  5.  At last weekend’s White House correspondents’ dinner, President Obama described his relationship with Vice President Joe Biden as: a) warm and friendly; b) respectful and supportive; c) distant and strained; or d) so close that there are pizza places in Indiana that won’t serve them?
  6.  This year’s Masters golf tournament was won by: a) Tiger Woods; b) Arnold Palmer; c) Happy Gilmore; or d) is there anyone left who can name ten professional golfers?
  7.  The Democrats are likely to nominate Hillary Clinton to run for president because: a) she’s the most qualified person for the job; b) people think that if they vote for her they get a two-fer: vote for Hill and get Bill, too; c) like Henry Clay back in 1838, Elizabeth Warren would rather be right than be president; or d) Mother Democrats’ cupboard is seriously, seriously bare?
  8.  A poll of Britons has found that if Kate Middleton delivers a baby girl, people want her to be named: a) Diana; b) Alice; c) Charlotte; or d) Oh God, Not Another Spoiled Welfare Queen We Have to Support?
  9.  The investigation that concluded that Rolling Stone magazine botched its story about gang rape at the University of Virginia proves that: a) writing phony stories can be a real team effort; b) there’s actually no problem at all with violence against women on college campuses; c) women cry “rape” just for the attention because who doesn’t want to be viewed as a victim of rape; or d) maybe Rolling Stone should stick to album reviews and ads for head shops?
  10.  Violent protests over police mistreatment of minorities have broken out across the country over the past nine months because of: a) police mistreatment of minorities; b) frustration; c) the hidden agenda of some radical community leaders; or d) the sad realization that unless the protests are violent, authorities don’t take them seriously?
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