May News Quiz

  1. Wisconsin governor Scott Walker, on the campaign trail for the Republican presidential nomination, recently defended his state’s requirement that women seeking abortions first see an ultrasound of their unborn children, describing those ultrasounds as “just a cool thing out there.” What Walker really was saying was: a) it’s cool how, even in 2015, men in public office can still find ways to humiliate women; b) I’m not going to back down just because most of the country thinks this is a terrible idea; c) I can’t think of a better way to pander to the far right wing; or d) the Republican war on women is on again, baby!?
  2. German police arrested a prostitute after it found a lamb in her brothel. The prostitute said the lamb was there because: a) it was a stray and just wandered in; b) she loves lamb, especially with mint jelly; c) some men are really into sheep and a sex worker with her own lamb can make some serious money; or d) her name is Mary and everywhere that Mary went the lamb was sure to go?
  3. Under a new Kansas law, welfare recipients may use their welfare money to buy only one of the following four items: a) alcohol; b) concert tickets; c) a tattoo; or d) a gun?
  4. Israel scrapped a plan to require Jewish and Palestinian residents to use separate buses because: a) critics pointed out that it sounded an awful lot like apartheid; b) Rosa Parks appeared to Benjamin Netanyahu in a dream; c) someone pointed out that Jews-only buses would be targets for terrorist attacks whereas buses with mixed riders aren’t targets at all; or d) they were too cheap to go out and buy a second set of buses?
  5. 19 Kids and Counting is: a) a television program about a couple with nineteen children; b) what you get when you’re not familiar with the expression “not tonight, dear, I have a headache;” c) the ultimate testament to the value of birth control; or d) the number of young girls touched inappropriately by one of TV’s Duggar children?
  6. The state legislature in North Carolina will adopt a law temporarily exempting the opossum from state wildlife protections so the city of Brasstown can continue a tradition of lowering an opossum in a Plexiglas box from the roof of a general store at the stroke of midnight on new year’s eve because: a) tradition’s tradition and no pansy-assed northern lib’ral animal rights sissies are going to get in the way of their state’s traditions; b) it’s just a dumb animal, so it’s really no big deal; b) unlike unborn babies, which we know feel pain, no one has ever proven that an opossum suspended in mid-air in a Plexiglas box feels fear; or d) if you don’t like it, they can always go back to their old tradition of lowering Negroes in Plexiglas boxes to celebrate the new year?
  7. After a twenty-minute meeting, Pope Francis declared Palestine president Mahmoud Abbas an “angel of peace” because: a) that’s the kind of thing popes are expected to say; b) it’s time to lay the groundwork for the Nobel Peace Prize periodically awarded to an Arabic head of state for pretending to be interested in peace; c) he thinks it’s time for the Catholic Church to return to its long tradition of anti-Semitism; or d) the pope’s a dope?
  8. Texas governor Greg Abbott declared a state of emergency because of: a) severe weather and flooding; b) a Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives proposal to halt civilian sales of green-tip, 5.56 millimeter rounds used in AR-15 rifles that poses a direct threat to Texas; c) he misinterpreted a Pentagon map for a routine training exercise that uses the standard war game colors of blue and red to mark individual territories and believed the federal government was planning a military takeover of Texas; or d) the fall of Ramadi means Sharia law is now one step closer to infiltrating his state?
  9. American Pharoah is: a) a new CIA operation to install as prime minister of Egypt someone sympathetic to American interests in the middle east; b) a spin-off of the Bravo TV series Shahs of Sunset; c) the nickname politicians have given Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush because they want to inherit the presidency rather than earn it; or d) the winner of the 2015 Kentucky Derby and Preakness?
  10. Whole Foods is planning a new chain of stores to court younger customers. The main difference between the existing chain and the new one will be: a) the designer soap will be made with inexpensive cow dung rather than pricier llama dung; b) the chicken dish in the buffet will be free-range but not fair trade chicken with mango chutney, Vitelotte potatoes, and a salad of arugula, organic kale, gold chanterelles, and pine nuts served with a domestic rather than imported radicchio balsamic dressing; c) the cashiers will be trained not to sneer at customers who don’t bring their own bags; or d) customers won’t need to choose between buying groceries and paying their mortgage?
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