1. A gunman killed three people and injured nine more at a Planned Parenthood clinic in Colorado Springs because:
a) IHOP raised the price of its “Rooty Tooty Fresh ‘N Fruity” pancakes twenty-five cents;
b) he heard the Boomtown Rats song that goes “I don’t like Mondays, I want to shoo-oo-ooo-ooot the whole day down” and thought it said “I don’t like Fridays”;
c) he was exercising his 2nd amendment right to possess a handgun and shoot whomever he wishes; or
d) he wanted to convey his opposition to Planned Parenthood’s role in helping women obtain abortions through a public demonstration of his belief in the sanctity of life?
2. The Republican National Committee suspended its agreement with NBC to televise a presidential debate next year because:
a) the candidates grew sick and tired of being asked “gotcha” questions;
b) the candidates grew sick and tired of being asked challenging questions;
c) NBC rejected their request that Jimmy Fallon serve as debate moderator; or
d) the candidates are just looking for a way to get out of debating because they’re tired of getting the snot kicked out of them by Donald Trump every time they step onto a stage with him?
3. The president of France has refused to have a wine-free dinner with the president of Iran at an upcoming diplomatic function because:
a) like all Frenchmen, he’s an alcoholic;
b) France doesn’t really give a damn if the Iranian request for an alcohol-free meal is grounded in religious beliefs;
c) he figured there’s no way he can get through a meal with that nut-job without a little liquid lubrication; or
d) it’s the French being the French, which means being jackasses, right?
4. Pennsylvania’s state senate passed a resolution calling for a ban on Syrian refugees in the state because:
a) fear they’re ISIS infiltrators who pose a serious threat to the entire state;
b) fear they’ll become citizens and register to vote as Democrats;
c) concern that ISIS infiltrators will go after high-value, high-profile, strategic Pennsylvania targets like Altoona, Possum Hollow, and Scranton; or
d) they’re not white?
5. The Texas state board of education rejected a proposal to have university experts check the facts in textbooks used in public schools because:
a) people who’ve made a career out of studying specific subjects don’t necessarily know more about those subjects than anyone else;
b) facts are greatly overrated;
c) facts are what the school board says are facts; or
d) the only way to ensure that kids grow up thinking the way Texas public officials want them to think is to indoctrinate them while they’re young and they can’t afford to let anything like the facts get in the way of that indoctrination?
6. A man ejected by police from a University of Wisconsin football game sent 240 donuts to police headquarters two days later because:
a) he thought it would be a nice gesture for a job well done;
b) he thought the police officers who ejected him looked undernourished;
c) he was mocking them because police officers spend so much time at donut shops; or
d) he didn’t have enough money to send 340 donuts?
7. Turkey shot down a Russian fighter jet because:
a) the Turks felt threatened that Russian fighter jets were anywhere near their country;
b) the Russians flew over Turkish air space and ignored warnings to leave;
c) the beleaguered government wanted to distract the Turkish people from domestic turmoil; or
d) the Turks never stopped to think that they were engaging in an act of war against a country that could wipe them off the face of the earth in less than a week?
8. Celebrity trash Kim Kardashian revealed that her unborn baby:
a) is breech and therefore may be a difficult delivery;
b) will have a $2.5 million endorsement deal with Toys R Us and her own reality show on the “E” network;
c) will do a nude centerfold for Highlights magazine; or
d) has virtually no chance of being a normal, intelligent, unspoiled child?
9. As part of new plan to compete with lower-cost airlines, American Airlines will introduce new “less frills” fares in 2016 that will feature:
a) World War II-era planes that were taken out of service in the 1970s and used for spare parts that are now being restored by Alabama high school students as part of a shop class project;
b) no free beverages, magazines, or flight attendant service and no air masks in the event of an in-flight emergency;
c) pay toilets and no access to overhead storage bins; or
d) seat-sharing: two “less frills” passengers will be assigned to each seat and they will be required to take turns sitting on each other’s lap during flights?
10. In voting for a bill to make it easier for ride-sharing services to operate in Pennsylvania, a member of the state legislature declared that “I should vote for this bill because number one, my constituents want it. People in Pennsylvania want it. People in Philadelphia want it.” That legislator has never been as responsive to his constituents when they said they wanted:
a) a new state budget, now five months overdue, the absence of which has left local school districts and human services organizations without funding and scrambling to stay open;
b) an end to state-operated liquor stores;
c) lower taxes; or
d) no pay raises for state legislators?