January News Quiz

1. ISIS militants wearing suicide vests attacked a mall in Baghdad recently, where their main target was:

a) Dairy Queen, because homosexuality is an abomination to the militants;

b) the Sports Authority, because they and they alone are the ultimate authority;

c) Old Navy, because they wanted to prove they’re tougher than any American navy; or

d) Annie Sez, because ISIS extremists aren’t interested in anything that anyone named Annie might have to say?

2.After the New York City health department closed the city’s first Chick-fil-A restaurant for health code violations, company officials blamed the store’s problems on:

a) an overzealous city health inspector;

b) a lax manager;

c) Colonel Sanders; or

d) secular humanists and the city’s pervasive homosexual culture?

3.In honor of Texas’s new “open carry” gun law, a barbecue restaurant near Houston is offering customers a 10 percent discount if they come into the restaurant carrying their gun. The restaurant is offering a 20 percent discount if customers:

a) bring other customers with guns;

b) twirl their guns like cowboys in the old west;

c) take one shot and hit a paper Obama target right between the eyes; or

d) shoot someone before before they’re presented with their check?

4.The ultimate proof that Russian president Vladimir Putin is truly a bad guy is:

a) his invasion of Ukraine;

b) his invasion of Syria;

c) his alleged role in the poisoning of a former KGB officer; or

d) Donald Trump likes him and he likes Trump?

5.An earthquake that registered 6.7 on the Richter scale rocked northeastern India and:

a) killed nine people and injured 100 more;

b) caused houses and other buildings to collapse;

c) left hundreds of thousands of people without power and water; or

d) meant that customers of Apple, Dell, HP, Verizon, AT&T, Comcast, Southwest Airlines, Microsoft, Bank of America, and others were without access to customer service for a week?

6.A Kentucky man shot down a toy drone flying over his house because:

a) it’s his property so it’s his right;

b) what’s the point of having the right to bear arms if you can’t actually bear some of those arms once in a while;

c) he thought it was an ISIS attack; or

d) why on earth would he need a reason?

7.Among the four newly discovered elements to be added to the periodic table of elements is:

a) Bieberanium, which makes people act like a jackass;

b) Sandersium, a substance that leads people of a certain political persuasion to embrace candidates for public office who can’t possibly win a major election;

c) Palinium, an attractive but highly toxic substance; or

d) Trumperanium, a substance that sprouts wispy strands of strangely organized protein fibers that its discoverers insist is the greatest element in the history of the world, really terrific, never been anything better?

8.Two small U.S. Navy vessels carrying ten sailors were captured by Iran while in Iran’s waters. According to the Navy, the boats accidentally wandered into Iran’s waters because:

a) the crew thought it was Iraq they were supposed to avoid, not Iran;

b) after three months at sea, they strayed from their course while looking for some hot Iranian chicks;

c) they used Mapquest instead of Google Maps; or

d) it was Captain Stubing’s day off and Gopher can’t navigate to save his life?

9.Caitlyn Jenner will publish a book about her transformation from male to female because:

a) it’s a story worth telling;

b) she hopes to be an inspiration to the millions of American men whom she knows would really like to cut off their schmeckle, shave their Adam’s apple, sprout boobs, and become media celebrities;

c) anything for attention; or

d) you don’t seriously expect a member of the Jenner-Kardashian corporation to miss a money-making opportunity, do you?

10.New Jersey Governor Chris Christie vetoed a bill that would have prohibited people convicted of carjacking, gang criminality, racketeering, or terroristic threats from purchasing or owning a gun because:

a) the constitution says they have a right to own guns;

b) with the primaries coming up, Christie realized it was either veto the bill or go back to New Jersey to stay and he really, really doesn’t want to go back to New Jersey to stay;

c) just because they’re convicted, violent felons doesn’t mean they’re bad people; or

d) Christie’s going after the convicted violent felon vote?

(Barring a change of heart or an unexpected uprising of popular sentiment, this will be the last monthly news quiz. The rest of the circus, however, will continue as always because there’s always something interesting going on under the big top.)

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