The following piece appeared in The New Yorker in November. It’s very funny, so The Curmudgeon, who did NOT write it, thought he would share. (And recommend, once again, that you consider subscribing to the magazine. It’s really terrific.)
TRUMP’S AMERICAN GIRL DOLLS
At Trump American Girl, we celebrate girls and all that they can be. Get inspired by our new line of Donald J. Trump-approved dolls and their timeless stories.
Meet ANGELA! Angela is a real American girl from the nineteen-fifties, a time when America was truly great. She’s an energetic and optimistic girl who follows her heart instead of the crowd, and also she has huge breasts and a tight little ass. She’s a beautiful girl who knows what she wants: blond hair, blond skin, and separate water fountains for white people! Angela is Miss Teen U.S.A. 1953 and a solid 7, who will be downgraded to a 6 as soon as she turns twenty and will eventually be “retired” at age twenty-six. Her special talent is “keeping her mouth shut while you watch her undress.” She dreams of someday marrying a much older man whom she can cook for and call Daddy!
Meet BETSY! Betsy is a perky girl during the American Revolution. She enjoys speaking her mind but also loves her perfect hourglass figure and large breasts! Betsy wants to fight in the American Revolution, just like her brothers, and tries to disguise herself as a boy but can’t because her breasts are too large to tape down, and plus she’s not a lesbo. Instead, she learns to sew and designs the first American flag, which she then tattoos on her lower back!
Meet ALICIA! A quiet Mexican girl whose large heart is outshone only by her even larger breasts! Alicia has just illegally arrived in America. While her brothers are all off raping and murdering white women and small dogs, Alicia learns how to whip up a delicious taco bowl (Hispanic for “sandwich bowl”) and goes to work at the Trump Tower Grill. The best taco bowls are made in the Trump Tower Grill.
Meet ROSIE! Rosie is a spirited girl in the Second World War. She gets a job at a factory but has to leave after she’s sexually harassed because of her large breasts. This teaches Rosie a lesson—that she was asking for it by wearing such large breasts to work. She instead becomes a kindergarten teacher and then a feminist because she’s a fat lesbian. Later, she dies of menopause!
Meet NELLIE! Nellie is a large-breasted, plucky daughter of a sharecropper, living during the Reconstruction era. She is so grateful not to be living as a black person in 2016, when all black people are living in hell. In 2016, you can get shot in the inner cities when you’re walking to the store to buy a loaf of bread! She agrees that Donald Trump is the least racist person she’s met and that he has a great relationship with the African-Americans.
Meet ELIZABETH! Elizabeth is a goofy Pocahontas who eats . . . beans? Corn? I forgot what Pocahontas is (are?). Which browns are they? Are they the taco-bowl browns?
Meet HILLARY! Hillary is a butch lesbian in 1969 who, because she is so sickly and handicapped, is forced to use two wheelchairs, one for each droopy old-lady breast! She is secretly a black man but lies so she can steal taxpayer dollars to go be an abortionist at Wellesley College. For fun, she killed a Vietnam War vet named Pepe, who came back to haunt her and all the other “liberal media” homos. Comes with fun flip-flops for her to flip-flop in and one Benghazi. I don’t know what that is but I hear it’s bad and Jewish.
Meet IVANKA! This American Girl’s got everything—a tight little figure, an ass you could bounce a million-dollar bill off of, not to mention she’s my daughter! If Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her. Even if she were my daughter, I’d probably date her. I’m gonna date her. I’m dating her!
Meet ALINA! Alina is a fourteen-year-old girl from Moldova! I purchased her from a farmer for six beads and a taco bowl from the Trump Tower Grill! Blink twice for “I love you,” Alina!
Meet MELISSA! She is a monster that I engineered in my private genetics lab at Mar-a-Lago. Her body is just two huge breasts, genitals, and a head with no mouth! She is the Platonic ideal of a girl. Now that Melissa exists, you will never be able to look at a regular girl again!
Meet TIFFANY! Who is Tiffany again? I forget who Tiffany is! ♦