Celebrity Apprentice: White House Edition

The Trump White House is a veritable revolving door. What we didn’t know, but should have suspected, was that Agent Orange would conduct his internal affairs like an episode of The Apprentice, with high-ranking officials continually on the receiving end of the “you’re fired” speech.

Only in some cases, the speech is now a gutless tweet.

But as was the case with The Apprentice, when the appeal of witnessing the firing of people we’ve never heard of started to wear thin, Trump has upped the ante by introducing the celebrity version. The Curmudgeon calls it Celebrity Apprentice: White House Edition.

Last year, you may recall, Trump flirted with naming tv nincompoop Dr. Oz his Secretary of Health and Human Services after Tom Price stole his way out of office. He also publicly flirted with the idea of appointing Fox News’s Kimberly Guilfoyle his press secretary but that didn’t pan out, either.

What does he know about the economy? Apparently, damn little.

Now he appears to be getting more serious about adding celebrities to his inner circle. Last week he hired Fox News talking head Larry Kudlow to head his council of economic advisors. Kudlow is a snappy dresser – The Curmudgeon previously complimented him on his shirts and The Curmudgeon is a guy who is SERIOUS about shirts – but Dana Milbank of the New York Times, upon learning of the appointment, wrote a column titled “Larry Kudlow may have been more wrong about the economy than anyone alive” that captured the essence of Kudlow: he doesn’t know much about much (except snappy dress shirts, perhaps). Just 24 hours later we learned that Trump is talking about hiring Fox & Friends weekend host – good lord, he’s not even good enough for the weekday show – Pete Hegseth to be secretary of the Veterans Administration even though the only thing Hegseth’s ever run in his professional life is his mouth and even though when there was talk of Hegseth running the VA after Trump was elected several veterans groups strongly objected.

We all know Trump values celebrity and reputation and big money more than he does ability or credentials, so with the White House now a merry-go-round of the mediocre and the president on the hunt for glitz and glamour, The Curmudgeon thought it might be fun to speculate on the next round of Trump appointees.

So let’s play Celebrity Apprentice: White House Edition.

  • Secretary of State – Leonardo DiCaprio, because he’s reportedly had a lot of foreign affairs.
  • Director of the FBI – Efrem Zimbalist, Jr., because considering how little Trump respects the FBI, the job might as well be filled by a guy who died four years ago.
  • The few, the proud…

    Secretary of Homeland Security – Claire Danes, who’s demonstrated that she can handle the job through her work in Homeland, don’t you think?

  • Secretary of Defense – Bill Murray, the perfect soldier from the movie Stripes; that’s the fact, Jack!
  • Secretary of the Treasury – Ben Stein, not only because he was host of the Comedy Central game show Win Ben Stein’s Money and taught economics in the movie Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and offers commentary on the economy on a number of tv networks but also because he was a speechwriter for Richard Nixon and Gerald Ford. In addition, his father, Herbert Stein, was chairman of the council of economic advisors under presidents Nixon and Ford, which is probably how Ben Stein got the speechwriting gig, and if nepotism is good enough for Jared and Ivanka (see below) it should be good enough for Ben Stein.
  • Attorney General – Bob Odenkirk, because when a guy like Trump needs a lawyer of limited ability and questionable ethics who’s not above bending the rules he’d Better Call Saul.
  • Secretary of Agriculture – Matt Damon, because if he can grow food on Mars he can certainly help make American agriculture great again.
  • This guy clearly knows a thing or two about drugs

    Secretary of Health and Human Services – Hugh Laurie, because Trump loves obnoxious people who think they know it all and that’s pretty much what House was all about.

  • Food and Drug Administration director – Gary Busey, because he appears to have been a major consumer.
  • Federal Aviation Administration – amateur pilot John Denver – oh, that’s right, never mind.
  • Surgeon General – Patrick Dempsey – McDreamy returns!
  • Secretary of Education – Dennis Haskins, who played Mr. Belding, the school principal, on Saved by the Bell.
  • Secretary of Veterans Affairs – actor Gary Sinise, who has been an advocate for veterans for more than 30 years, has a foundation that sponsors programs for veterans, and even has a band that plays about 50 concerts a year at military bases.
  • Secretary of Commerce – Michael Douglas, for his portrayal of Gordon Gekko in the movie Wall Street and his character’s belief that “greed is good,” which might as well be the official motto of the Trump administration.
  • Well, he lived in the projects on television, isn’t that enough?

    Secretary of Labor – Ivanka Trump, who’s gone through labor three times (so far).

  • Secretary of Housing and Urban Development – comedian Jimmie Walker, who played a resident of the projects in Good Times and would no doubt understand the need to dy-no-mite all remaining public housing projects. The only reason Trump originally gave the job to Ben Carson, he said, was because Carson grew up in the projects – surely it had nothing to do with Carson being black and Trump thinking all black people surely must understand public housing – but Walker played a resident of public housing on tv and that should be good enough.
  • Secretary of the Environmental Protection Agency – Iron Eyes Cody, the Native American who in that famous commercial paddled his canoe down a river and let that one tear roll down his cheek when he saw all the pollution he encountered along the way. Cody’s been dead since 1999 but since the Trump administration has no interest in doing anything to help protect the environment, he’ll be up to the job.
  • N. ambassador – Real Housewives alumna Bethenny Frankel, because no one understands better the importance of being diplomatic.
  • Here come da judge

    White House communications director – actor Tony Papenfuss, who played the character Darryl – no, not THAT Darryl, the other Darryl – on the sitcom Newhart. Papenfuss appeared in 91 episodes and never said a word, which makes him the ideal candidate to replace the highly uncommunicative former communications director Hope Hicks.

  • Next Supreme Court nominee – Diana Ross, for obvious reasons.
  • Press Secretary – Allison Janney, first for the obvious reason and second because any list with Allison Janney on it is automatically a better list.

Have ideas of your own? The Curmudgeon would love to hear them.






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